


i just wanna be free

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Parenting, Christianity, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Okay Ending, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Politics, Religion, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Deceit | Janus Sanders, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27973599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus wants, more than anything, to be free.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	i just wanna be free

**Author's Note:**

> (RE-READ THE TAGS PLEASE)
> 
> EXTRA TWS: PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPTS MENTION, OVËRDÔSE AS AN ATTEMPT METHOD, SLIGHT TOXIC MINDSET (?), BRIEF SHIT TALKING PEOPLE WHO ONLY MEAN WELL/RELIGION (??) (CAN BE SKIPPED: STOP AT 'he'd read somewhere that overdose doesn't work' AND START AGAIN AT 'then again, he'd only overdosed twice', SAME FOR 'it's fucking pathetic, really..' AND COME BACK AT 'he hates that he's stuck here'), POSSIBLE PERFECTIONIST TRAITS (IS THAT A TRIGGER IDK), YELLING/SLIGHT POSSIBLE ABUSIVE PARENT (FATHER), STRÄNGŪLATIØN AS AN ATTEMPT, USE OF THE WORD 'MOR0Ñ', BINGE-PURGE/BINGE-RESTRICT EATING DISORDER MENTION, TR*MP SUPPORTER PARENTS MENTION, SLIGHT SHITTING ON RELIGION (CALLING THE KING JAMES BIBLE A "stupid book"), IMPLIED ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AT THE END (?)
> 
> .. let me know if there's more ;-; <3

If there was one thing Janus wanted more than anything, it was to be free.

And Janus knew exactly how to do it.

Janus knew how he could free himself.

So, why hasn't he? 

It's easy -- it would be so easy.

He's tried.

He's tried four times before.

Obviously, all of them were fruitless.

He'd read somewhere that overdose wouldn't work.

Janus never bothered to listen, because perhaps it was one of those 'look i know you want to kill yourself so i will be an asshole and scare you out of it' things, but it might be true.

Then again, he's only ever overdosed twice before.

Plus, it wouldn't hurt to keep trying to successfully OD ( _t_ _hat's completely false the stomach pains are_ _unreal-_ -). 

He's also tried strangulation twice.

Pointless.

Out of his four attempts to be free, none of them worked.

And fuck, that really pisses him off.

Why leave him here?

Why make him stay?

Why not let him have peace for fucking once?!

WHY KEEP TORTURING HIM?!

It's fucking pathetic, really, that he's not gone yet.

Like, the _balls_ on whoever let him stay here.. oh boy, if there is a afterlife or some entity that created everything or shit, Janus has more than 206 bones to pick with them.

Like that absolute _swine_ has another thing coming for it once Janus finally manages to free himself.

He hates that he's stuck here.

That he's alive still.

There's literally zero point in any of it.

Janus doesn't contribute anything to anyone.

He doesn't make anyone's life any different ( _if he does, it's negative anyway_ ). 

He isn't special.

He's not going to be anything.

He isn't going to be able to make anywhere CLOSE to a living after he's legal age.

He's only going to take up space/resources that other people probably need more than him.

Mental health services? He doesn't _r_ _eally_ need those, especially since he has little interest in this whole 'getting better' thing.

Jobs? Not only would he single-handedly bring down his co-workers and entire business, but someone else who would actually work hard would be unable to get the job he's hogging. 

Housing? He wouldn't be able to pay for it, and if he took up one of those like, cheap/poor people trailer-house things, he'd just be wasting it because someone else who's willing to work for it or is smarter than him and only has unfortunate circumstances wouldn't be able to have that.

Food? He has extremely disordered eating -- he binges and purges and restricts, so during a binge he'd hog the shit like the disgusting pig he is and someone who maybe doesn't have access to food or money or anything couldn't have it instead.

He's literally just a waste of space.

Janus won't go on to do anything.

He's literally _worthless_. 

He has no reason to be here.

He has no business here.

He has no purpose here.

He's being a greedy little bitch and hogging everything.

So, not only would the world benefit from him killing himself, but he would as well.

He'd be free.

He'd be free from this body that isn't his, from the big hips and large chest mounds and a high-pitched voice and the monthly reminder that he's not in the body he's meant to be in.

He'd be free from the memories of the man who took away his innocence, who manipulated and did things to him that.. that are awful, terrible things and who is now the reason he can't see certain words without having a panic attack and who was the reason he was terrified of the doorbell ringing or someone knocking because he was scared the guy would come carry out with his threat and who is the reason he can't be touched in certain places without remembering and who fucked him over so badly at nine fucking years old.

He'd be free from his parents, who are, to put it simply, _trump supporters_ ; racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist.. generally bad people, who use slurs they have no right to and it makes him so wildly uncomfortable but if he said anything he'd get in trouble, who use excuse 'i don't hit you so i'm a good parent' despite them hitting him several times and threatening to do it so often, who never gave him any praise for the A's he used to get in school but he got in trouble and yelled at when he got his first C but his brother ( _who wholeheartedly agrees with their parents bullshit -- which leads Janus to believe favoritism is huge in this household_ ) gets a D and gets majorly rewarded despite having nothing to make his learning any more difficult than Janus', who made him read the Bible against his will and even though his father knew he didn't believe in the shit he still plopped the stupid book into Janus's lap after he'd been shoved down on the couch and yelled at for approximately three hours and he'd took away Janus's phone and said he couldn't have it back until he finished the entire Bible and just yelled at Janus more when he started crying ( _the boy doesn't work well when in fear of his father, okay? Don't judge him he's sensitive-- also because his phone was the only thing keeping him from ending it and sometimes he's stupid and wants to live soo.. 'oop'_ ) and made Janus read the shit out loud which was so hard when he's sobbing, mind you, and everytime he messed up he'd have to start the page or chapter over again depending on how mad mr. daddio was and he was slapped everytime he messed up as an additional ' _haha i want you to cut all contact with me as soon as you're 18 if you can even survive until then_ ', and his father just said he 'wanted him to know the factual facts', and who insults him every chance he gets and if he starts crying in front of his father he 'can't take a joke', AND has told Janus he might as well kill himself yet get all pissed when he walked in on Janus trying to do exactly that ( _which, by the way; what the fuck, pick a side mr_ ).

He'd be free from his terrible grades and just overall stressful school, because he's trying his hardest okay but it's kinda hard to say 'here' for attendance when your family is constantly fighting/yelling about something everyday, because he can't really focus on videos without closed captions even though he's not deaf or hard-of-hearing he just literally can't focus without it for some reason, because he can't open up the document because there's a skin diagram and he's really trying his damnest to stay clean so he really can't look at it ( _but he ended up doing it anyway because relapsing is better than getting in trouble -- existing around his parents is hard enough, so he's good with the rage being directing at him as little as possible_ ), because he has to work in the living room and his parents are constantly in there and you can just _imagine_ how that goes every single day, because he can't do projects talking about his emotions because for some stupid fucking reason lying is so much harder on paper/through a screen than it is in real life to him and it takes all his self-control to not be honest, because he can't bare to look at his grades every Friday to log them even though he does because oh god he'll do anything to avoid getting in trouble-- because everytime he looks at his grades he's filled with negative emotions: he hates seeing his grades go down, because it's all A's and then there's just a B and it's incredibly revolting, because he hates seeing those percentages go from 120 or 103 to 100 or 98 because that means he can't do anything right and he didn't try hard enough and he needs to put more into it next time and he needs to do something before his parents notice and he needs to do better because if not he'll end up homeless and without a job and he'll be absolutely nothing and he won't be able to have a job because he'll be too much of a complete fucking _moron_ \-- and he doesn't like checking his grades because he can't avoid looking at his GPA.. and it's only ever a 3.17.. he's such a fucking disgrace and failure, he'll never get into college with that GPA, he'll never get a job, he barely passes as it is and he's so fucking disgusted every week and he might as well kill himself while he's ahead.

He'd be free from the suicidal thoughts and urges and fantasies, the promise of relaxation, the promised freedom, the end of suffering, the solution, the only option, the thing he'd knew would be his end since fourth grade and he stills knows that's how he's gonna go. 

He'd be free.

And oh fuck, he's tried.

It just never works.

It just gets him close enough to feel the relief, before violently taking it away from him after giving him a glimpse, a peek into what he could've had, a look into the promising emptiness.

It's so fucking cruel.

And he'll just keep trying until it works.

Because you can only fail do many times, you can only overdose so many times before your kidney's fail, you can only strangle yourself so many times before the blood stops flowing into your heart and never does again, you can only slit your wrists so many times before you hit something good, something promising, and bleed out.

The only question is how many times it is.

Janus will find that out eventually.

And he might just try tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> alternatively titled: 'imagine being free. couldn't be janus.' 🤪💅
> 
> anyway yeah i popped off -- can you tell i have a deep, burning rage for my father? 😋
> 
> also that it's 💫shark week💫 and i'm ✨wildly dysphoric✨? bc that's what this was going to be but uh 😳
> 
> i mean no disrespect if you're religious btw i love every single one of you
> 
> ps i sincerely hope you all read the title in markiplier's 'i don't wanna be free' song tune


End file.
